Saturday, August 28, 2010

Not feeling good about myself, at all...

I've been so very..... EXTREMELY sensitive with/about my body lately. Any little comment people make about me, gets me thinking about it all day. I feel huge, I'm getting fat/big, and that's a fact. I can't color my hair, or do anything that would make myself feel good. I feel like a lot like CRAP... I mean it.

My grandmother made a bad comment about me yesterday. She said my "nose" isn't very nice, and that my legs are fat. Oh my goodness, I really don't need her to shove any of that crap in my face at this time ! I feel TERRIBLE. I' am capable of watching my weight and staying thin, however this is not the time for me to do that (being pregnant). It's not like I've chosen to become fat, I have NO CHOICE. That's how my body works, I gain weight REALLY REALLY easy. I mean, now that I have to eat right (more than I normally eat before), it's much easier for FAT to take over my body. Right now my top priority is my son and his health, so even though I'm EXTREMELY afraid of this weight gain and getting fat, it doesn't compare to what my son needs. I know she meant no harm... after all she was only stating the truth, but I just sometimes wonder why my family has to be oh so judgmental... ugly this, ugly that... this person is pretty, this person is ugly blah blah. I love them, but I'm so sick of it... I seriously have had enough of the crap people have to say about me. Why is it just so hard to understand that a pregnant body is different from a non-pregnant body ?!

It's a shame that I'm not comfortable under my own skin, around my family. If I can't feel comfortable around them, who else can I go to ? I feel like I have no one to turn to who would seriously understand how tough it is for me to face this struggle. It was HARD for me to lose the weight as a teen, I was afraid to ever gain that weight back. I told myself I'd never let it happen again, however I have to leave that aside at this point. It's really tough for me. People just don't get it. My family are all fairly thin, they will never understand how it is to be the "bigger one". I do share some of these thoughts to some of my family, but they seem to take it "lightly". I don't want to keep this bottled up, but it seems to me that no one really understand, and so I'm sick of letting it out to people. I'm so scared, I don't want to have to go through post-partrum depression...

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